Good Medicine

  Language is a powerful tool. Oftentimes though it can be a blunt knife. Words flatten, compress and package experiences that are too complex to put into language concisely. Using many words can have a tendency to scatter and diffuse clarity and focus. I could blather on for pages but what I write here will absolutely be less effective than having a conversation. Words can’t fully impart the knowledge and/or wisdom that only comes from time and experience. We each have a unique perspective and path in life where even lessons that seem identical are expanded and deepened by the context of each unique person who lives them. The words we use with ourselves are most important of all. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and others will shape how we experience our reality in more ways than we realize. 

We all carry beliefs about ourselves that we are aware of, most would call it our personal narrative, or internal monologue. A lot of people claim to not have one, but if they happen to be like me it might just be deviously subtle and fleeting. In a more obvious sense, it’s what we choose to say when we introduce ourselves, the masks of varying transparency that we wear in the different roles we play. We also carry around beliefs about ourselves that we’re completely unaware of, therefore we’re completely unaware of their effects. Whether it’s beliefs based on fears or fears based on beliefs the effect is pretty much the same. They shape how we perceive what is love and what isn’t. (“Non-violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg and “Attached“ by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller are great books to help understand and recognize some of these patterns.)

We live out these assumptions that quietly run in the background of our minds. When we watch the news, scroll on social media, talk to friends, family and strangers. The things we consume are mixed with and effected by these stories, creating loops and patterns that manifest in our minds and in our lives. The division we see in our world depends on us never becoming aware of it long enough to do something about it. We carry them around like books written in our own personal language. Shoving them in each other’s faces in desperation, saying “Look! It’s all right here! Why can’t you understand?” Of course they don’t, because we haven’t tried to understand their language, and their stories. How could we expect to translate our own? Suffering flourishes like bacteria feasting on a corpse when we live in a state of reaction and grasping. Until we’re burned out and succumb to disillusionment, apathy and nihilism. Our hearts harden and grow cold, we have taken the black pill and not even noticed.

Sitting with Ayahuasca may reveal these unconscious beliefs, fears, self criticisms and some of the reasons for them. That was my experience at least. These unconscious and self limiting fears or beliefs we hold on to may be coping mechanisms that served us at one time, but are now holding us back. Or they could be lies we bought into that diminish who we are and make it harder to believe in the truest and best version of ourselves. Likely a mix of both. I recommend being open to facing whatever may come up with gratitude and with no expectations. The power to acknowledge, learn, heal, and choose to move forward is yours alone.

I was blessed to sit with experienced practitioners who serve with the utmost care and responsibility, from application screenings and personal interviews, to instruction, education and support throughout the retreat. Their dedication to care is above and beyond, and I left inspired by the love and energy each one of them had poured out. We spent every day immersed in the history of and respect for the power of plant medicine, respect for the lineage of indigenous wisdom, the power of community and care for our physical and mental well being. Practicing yoga, meditation and breath work as tools for regulation and neutrality to use in ceremony, in sweat lodge and in life. 

The experience for me was profoundly deep and transformational. It’s an incredibly personal experience, so I’ve decided to share only a limited amount here. 

Every part of our life experience happens within us. We are connected in our humanity, and with nature. We’re all made of the same stuff in life and in death, the same intelligence that makes every living thing function, structuring different combinations of the same elements. We have the power to choose how we react and what story we tell ourselves, the ability to see the connectedness in all and live with compassion, even for our enemies. We are each a part of something more than our bodies, our communities and our countries. This can be really hard realization to practice in the moment, most of the time it’s easier to cling to what we already know and plant our flag on those hills. With practice I’ve found it beneficial and eye opening to start taking control of my attention, becoming more aware of the stories I’m quietly telling myself and reframing them.

Acceptance and gratitude are a powerful and persistent flame to the coldness of negativity. To me acceptance is neutral equanimity, the act of acknowledging what reality is and sitting with it in stillness. Acceptance is the root of love and provides solid ground to stand on, enabling you to feel empathy without being disregulated, to act with compassion, to keep an open heart and maintain personal boundaries. Gratitude is simply the next step through a doorway into any positive state of mind. Learn the difference between empathy and compassion. I’d always considered them virtually synonymous but it seems more like they push and pull on each other in a beautiful dance when understood and lived to their fullest. 

Sometimes I feel like a switch flipped, but not always. The lessons are there to come back to, and like flash cards, sometimes a review is needed. I’m grateful to have this experience, and its meaning continues to expand and deepen even a year later. Afterward as the weeks rolled by I realized I had discovered a whole new perspective on meditation. For the first time I glimpsed the vast jungle inside myself and my self inquiry took on a whole new shape. I found contemplation almost feels like a game sometimes: sitting in silence with thoughts and feelings, observing their relationships and tracing their origins. It’s my new favorite way to process things I get hung up on. 

Life can be messy and it’s great to have new tools that allow me to look at difficulty with compassion, slowly getting better at receiving it as an opportunity to learn.

Again, my experience is my own, but if feel like you might be curious to explore for yourself you can find me on social media. I’d be happy to chat.